Still waiting

We're now into our 11th cycle.  Obviously still not UTD.  Still doing acupuncture every week and I have now lost.... weight for it, weight for it (I couldn't help using the pun lol)....a whopping 21.3kg since 14 April.  


I've lost 13cm from my chest, 18 from my waist, 9.5 off the widest part of my body (ie my arse) and approx 15cm off each thigh.  Kinda figures that I'd have lost the smallest amount around my arse, bloody typical isn't it?!?! What I'd like to do is take those 13cm and put them back on my chest, and take the 13cm from my arse!!!!!  But I digress...


Of course I'm getting impatient, but who isn't after they've been trying for 10 months, and who wouldn't be if they'd been waiting for the opportunity to try for another baby for over 3 years?


I've been focussing quite a bit on the weight loss which has been good because it's taken the focus off the TTC.  Interestingly, what initially started as losing weight to get pregnant has morphed into something completely unrelated to getting pregnant.  I'm liking the changes I can see in my body and rarely even connect eating healthy and exercising with the quest for a baby.


In fact, some months, I focus so much on the weight loss that I couldn't even tell you what CD I'm on, although I might have a vague idea of the general vicinity.  Some months, I've been lucky enough to even get to CD20-something before I realise it.  


Every time the red dragon shows her ugly distorted face, I try to remind myself that others are in a much worse situation, some have been trying for longer, others going through IVF and others who will never have their own child.  


It's still disappointing though.  I don't know any way around the disappointment.  I wish I did.

Winning the lotto

There's an old joke (and I'm not good at retelling jokes, so it's not going to be as funny as it could be) about a man.  Every night before he went to bed, he used to pray to God "Please God, please please please let me win the lottery".  He'd done this every night for years and years until one night, a big booming voice came from the sky "BUY A TICKET!".

I don't buy lotto tickets though, I've watched my mum and grandparents buy them all my life and rarely win anything (and if they did it'd be something like $20) so in my eyes, it's a big waste of money.  Yet I often joke about how I should've won the lotto and often think to this joke.  I think it's a good analogy on life in general.

I know that we haven't been trying 'that long' when you compare to others, but losing the weight, going to acupuncture, having sex, getting Sydney Boy onto the zinc and me taking the Vitex.... well, all of this to me is buying that lotto ticket in the baby lottery.

I say "baby lottery" because I like to think of having a baby as more to do with chance and luck than anything to do with karma.  If karma was involved, bad people would not get pregnant - accidentally or otherwise; and good deserving people would get pregnant easily, at the right time, without a glimmer of a sweat.  But a lottery, it's a game of chance and when you look at the science of conception, it really is chance that the sperm will make its way to the egg at exactly the right time and fertilise it.  And, let's face it, continually buying lotto tickets gets expensive, and so does various TTC 'tickets'...

So on this theory, surely the more tickets I buy, the more chances I have of winning the lottery sometime soon?

Acupuncture appointment

I had my acupuncture appointment yesterday.  I really was amazed by how little I felt the needles.  Yes, I know people say you can hardly feel them if at all but I really couldn't believe them - I thought it was one big conspiracy.

Anyway, we agreed to just acupuncture at this point without the herbs given the time we've been trying and the fact that she's also going to try and help fix some of the other issues my body seems to have (back problems, arthritis etc).

She felt my tummy and said it was particularly hard and should be soft.  By the end of the session, it was rather softer than she started - WTF?!?!

We've made weekly appointments starting in 2 weeks for a few weeks so hopefully that combined with the weight loss and Vitex should see some continuance of 28 day cycles and, hopefully.... a BFP.

Acupuncture and Zinc

This is now our 9th cycle and it really is getting too close to that 'magic' 12 month mark so any time now that my body decides to actually make a baby would be good...

Here's where we're at at the moment...

Sydney Boy has started taking some zinc stuff given he doesn't eat vegetables etc to get zinc to help his little spermies.

The Vitex seems to be working some magic on the wonky cycle front though:
Cycle 1 October: 39

Cycle 2 November: 27

Cycle 3 December: 37

Cycle 4 January: 24

Cycle 5 February: 28

Cycle 6 March: 36

Started taking Vitex here

Cycle 7 April: 30

Cycle 8 May: 28

So I'm hoping that if AF absolutely MUST show her horrible ugly and distorted face this month that she will do so on CD 28/9 and not some ridiculous day like CD30-something!

Tomorrow is CD14 so here's to hoping for a BFP this month or the next...

And of course, tomorrow I have my acupuncture appointment after work.  Fingers crossed.

My cousin had her baby

I've been bracing myself for this for months since I first found out she was pregnant.  I was so angry and jealous. Stricken with jealousy in fact.  She's a few years younger than me and her family have always been competitive with me.  They always have to be better or do better than me and it irritates me because then my competitive streak comes out (and I try to lock it in the cupboard as much as possible!).  It was bad enough when her brother got his girlfriend pregnant after being together for a couple of months (although their son is now 1 and they've just gotten married).  Their mother made sure to rub my nose in it.  They were wanting her to have a girl so that she could give our grandmother the first great grand daughter given her brother gave her the first great grand son.  

Turns out, she also had a boy, Harrison (which I'm peeved about because I like the bloody name!!!).  I couldn't help but feel so freakin' relieved.  One down, and one to go (I think the other cousin is due in Nov-ish).  Here's to hoping she has a boy too! lol

The jealousy of the fact she's gotten somewhere I haven't and the joy that it wasn't a girl quickly turned to guilt when I found out a day later that she has had fits since having the baby and spent most of Friday night unconscious.  They've done an MRI and they can't see anything wrong with her.  The doctors are baffled about what caused it.  Mum said she has lost sensation in her left side so I'm wondering whether a stroke or something was a possibility? 

So now I feel bad.  I obviously didn't cause or want this to happen to her, but fuck she could have died and here I was worrying that the freaking baby would be a girl.  I feel like the worst person in the world now.  

So bad in fact that I was prepared to drive the two hours to go see her in hospital (despite the competitiveness, she does seem to like me and look up to me according to my mum) and stop off on the way to pick up some baby stuff.  

The only reason I didn't was because it was raining, it's a long weekend which means double demerit points (not that I speed, or try too but I'm paranoid that the times I take my eyes off the speedo for a few minutes will be when the speed creeps up and I get done for speeding) and also because mum didn't really know where in the hospital my cousin was as she was getting the info second and third hand through my grandmother.  

I think if she is still in hospital next weekend (assuming the docs keep here there til they're satisfied she's not at risk of it happening again), I'll drive up and visit her.  Maybe the baby 'germs' will be catching and my uterus and eggs etc will go "oooooh so *that's* what I'm supposed to do" and make it happen for me.... and also I won't feel so guilty for being so jealous of her...

Hello from Brisbane - with an update

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last updated this blog, mainly because life has been so insanely crazy with organising to move interstate, and then the actual moving.  

Unfortunately I'm now another cycle down as AF arrived last week.  Although I'm obviously disappointed yet again, I'm pleased that my cycle was a 28 day cycle again.  I'm hoping that this means the Vitex is starting to weave it's magic.  If AF arrives this cycle (and let's pray she doesn't!), I'm hoping for another 28 day cycle as a sign my body is being normal finally.


My most exciting news is that I weighed in today to discover that I have lost another 3.2kg since I last weighed in 12 days ago.  So freakin' happy.  Even more exciting is that this brings me to exactly 15kg loss so far!!!! I almost can't believe it!!!!!!  If this doesn't make my body better for making babies and keeping them, well geez, I don't know what will.

I've also made an appointment with an acupuncturist here that, when googled, seemed to have a LOT of awesome reviews and a pretty high success rate.  I rang last week and couldn't get in til 21 June so I take it they're pretty popular (and therefore good at what they do).  The only downfall for that is that 21 June is CD14 exactly and I'm not sure whether they do any acupuncture on your first visit - does anyone who read my blog actually know?! But I'm thinking even if they did, it's probably not going to be much use for this cycle.  Bummer, but what can I do about it?!?! Not a great deal...


So hopefully, the equation of weight loss + Vitex + acupuncture + heatlhy eating + exercise + some good old fashioned hot BDing in our new bed = a BFP soon.  


Here's to hoping... 
xo

Raising money for Bears of Hope

I have just registered for the City 2 Surf and created a fundraising page to raise money for Bears of Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support.

If you'd like to donate (no pressure of course!) especially with the end of financial year around the corner, you can go to this link for more info.

http://www.fundraise.city2surf.com.au/annmaree_findlay

xoxox

The story of the chocolate cupcake

I’m doing some temp work at the moment (until Friday) and my temp agency came into work this afternoon and she handed me a little box with a cupcake in it from the Cupcake Shop.

I didn’t want to be rude because it was nice of her to do so I accepted it.  After she left, I opened the box and looked inside.  A chocolate cupcake.  It looked delicious. 

I sat there at my desk and stared at the chocolate cupcake.  I smelt it (I’m sure if any of my work colleagues saw me, they would have thought I was nuts).  I closed my eyes and imagined how good it would taste, and how it would feel in my mouth.  I imagined how good I would feel eating it and satisfying the urge for chocolate, especially since I haven’t had any sort of junk now for 8 weeks.

I closed the box again and thought about how good it will feel tomorrow when I get a good number on the scales.  I imagined getting to my goal weight, and how freaking awesome I will feel.  I pictured getting that positive pregnancy test because I’ve lost so much weight, my body has gotten back to ‘my normal’ again.  I imagined how it would feel to get that far without eating any of this sort of unhealthy food.

I asked myself what would be more satisfying in the long run: the chocolate cupcake or a child?

I very promptly gave the chocolate cupcake to a work colleague who was more than willing to take it off my hands.  Neither she or anyone else could quite believe how anyone could give up a chocolate cupcake (or any cupcake for that matter).  They were in awe of my ability to give it away without a second thought (little did they know! Ha!).

Tonight when I got home, I went down to the gym in our building and burnt off that chocolate cupcake that I didn’t eat.  In fact, I burnt off almost 3 chocolate cupcakes that I didn’t eat - 581 calories (Based on MyFitnessPal which says the cupcake is worth 200 cals).

And might I say, I’m mighty proud of myself tonight. 

Cupcake - 0
Me - 1

11.1kg closer to getting that BFP (maybe more after tomorrow morning's weigh in!!!)

The last day on earth

Disclaimer: I apologise right here and now for the "poor me" post...  So if you're not in the mood or whatever, now is probably the top to stop reading ....

With all this talk of the apparent end of the world in the last couple of days (which by the way, just in case it's real, it was great knowing you all LMAO), I've had the song, Last Day on Earth by Kate Miller-Heidke in my head.  I thought it would be funny to post it on Facebook, just as a laugh.

In case you haven't heard it, you can listen to it here:



I went to YouTube to find it again and link it on my Facebook page, and it was then I knew it was a bit of a stupid idea to go and listen to it.  When the song came out a year or two ago (has it been that long already?) I was driving in my car listening to the radio and when it came on, it reminded me of my twins... you know, if it were the end of the world, the twins would be back with me.

I haven't cried in over a year, with the exception of course of when my grandfather died almost a year ago.  Yet all of a sudden, I had tears streaming down my face.  I cried throughout the whole song, and by the end almost wished that it was the end of the world tomorrow, just for my twins.

Just in case you missed it, I'm not pregnant yet.  On 5 June, a little over 2 weeks away, it will mark three years since my world came crashing down on me.  Three years since I was pregnant.  Three years of waiting for another baby.  Three years of that tap that was turned on when I was pregnant, and was never turned off - I never found the switch.  Three whole years of yearning and watching others get their BFPs and leave me behind.  Three years of watching others get to experience all of those things that I wanted to experience.

Nonetheless, today's tears took me by surprise.  I wasn't expecting them.  I haven't been dwelling on things any more than usual.  I didn't even go to YouTube with the intention of making myself cry listening to the songs that remind me of my twins (although I admit there was a time once upon a time where I did).  I just went to YouTube to listen to a song that I hadn't heard in ages.

I didn't expect to cry.  Those tears, I think, were tears still grieving the loss of my beloved twins.  They were also the frustration and disappointment I'm feeling about not being pregnant yet.  Tears because I'd convinced myself that all that waiting was being banked up so it would be easy when I did TTC again.  Tears because I tricked myself into believing this making it easier at the time, but now it's just made the waiting now even harder.

But surely by now I'm entitled to be a little impatient.  This isn't about the 7 cycles we've been TTC, this is about the last 3 years and I'm really truly tired of waiting.  Surely it's my turn now?

10kg mark

I am so happy to share that I have cracked the 10kg weight loss mark this morning.  I'm so freakin' happy.  10kg closer to getting that BFP.

Baby is an awesome motivator.

In other TTC related news, I'm CD9 and Sydney Boy is coming home tonight from Queensland so no doubt there will be some BDing tonight... if he's home early enough that is (his plane has been delayed so not likely to be home before 11pm now... BOOOO).  Hoping to get some BD'ing in over the next few days leading up to (hopefully) ovulation.  Have been taking the Vitex so fingers crossed that is weaving some magic in there...

Surely 10kg loss + Vitex + Sex + Love must = Baby!?!

Here's to hoping!

I just found my ultimate commitment

I jumped onto Facebook this afternoon and saw this post:

I had already put the City 2 Surf as one of my goals for my 12 Week Body Transformation, but when I saw this post, that was it, it sealed the deal.

For every $45 I can raise, a gift bag will be given to a baby lost family in honour of my baby/ies which includes (amongst a number of things) a bear, candle, photo frame, poem etc etc.  I really wish that I had been given a bear when I first lost my twins (almost) 3 years ago.

If that wasn't enough, when I read that if I raise $250 I can get a personalised shirt that says "I am running for XXXX", I realised that whether or not I raise the $250 for that shirt, I will make it my mission to run for not only my twins, but all of the babies taken too soon from their parents, and for all those parents who have been left heartbroken, feeling isolated and alone, that nobody 'gets it' and that nobody cares.

I care.  I 'get it' and they are not alone.

To seal the deal, I posted it in my status update on my own Facebook:

There's no turning back now.

Anyone want to join me?

Another month, another bitch arrives

Well ladies, looks like we're out this month.  AF has just arrived today, CD30.

Positives:

• CD30 is pretty good compared to CD39, maybe my cycle might be normalising (hopefully?)
• I now have another month to lose more weight.  The benefits of this are that it'll make me healthier, give me a greater chance of getting pregnant, make pregnancy easier on me than what it would've been if I hadn't lost the weight, less potential problems during pregnancy as a result of being overweight.
• No potential morning sickness for my flight back to Brisbane at the beginning of June.

Yes, must think of the positives - Lord knows the negatives suck ass.

Please Universe/God/Powers-that-Be don't let me get to the 3 year anniversary of when I miscarried and not be pregnant again.  My 3 year anniversary is 5 June and hopes are fading for that wish to be fulfilled.

CD28 and Weigh in day

Well, it's CD28 here for me and no AF.  Who knows when she'll show up (if she does, and let's hope she doesn't!!!) - could be today, could be anytime in the next 10 days.  She must be coming shortly though as I was very teary eyed this morning, but then again it is Mothers Day and yet again I still have no child and don't really feel that much closer, if at all, to having one.

In less than 1 month, it will be 3 years since I lost my twins.  That's 3 years of waiting for another baby.  No wonder I am so over the waiting.  I think I'm entitled to be by now...

I was teary eyed yesterday explaining the plot of the movie, "The Notebook" to my Sydney Boy too so that tells me AF is probably on her way, the bitch mole.

In good news though, today was weigh in day and I was very pleased to discover another 1.7kg has disappeared off the scales.  That means I have now lost 7.9kg and have another 3kg to reach double figures again.  When I reach that 3kg, I have promised myself a spray tan as a reward for all my hard work (although not sure what purpose that is going to serve if I'm going to smash it out at the gym and sweat it all off!!! LOL).

I was a bit worried about weighing myself today if AF is just around the corner as it may have made me a bit heavier, so I was thrilled to see such a good result!  If 1.7kg is gone, that must mean I'm now almost 2 steps closer to getting that BFP... I really have to believe that as it's the only thing that keeps me motivated.

The arthritis in my right knee has been playing up in the last 3 days (although it's somewhat better today), but then I had to go and slip on the board walk when we went to the Blue Mountains yesterday so now I have a nasty gash on my left knee that hurts like fuck.  Not sure how I'll go with exercise tomorrow but I must do it if I am to lose that weight.

Must push on.  I will get pregnant, damn it.

4 weeks with no chocolate, softdrink, dessert and counting...

When you take your eye off the ball...

Time goes faster... just had a sneak peak at where I'm up to in my cycle and I'm already at CD25!!! Amazing what can happen when you're not paying attention!

Looks like my tactic of attention diversion has worked so far (just wish it'd worked for a few more days! LOL).

Let's step this up a notch...

I've been a bit slack in updating the blog, mainly because there's very little to report on for my TTC efforts other than, well, DTD which I'm sure none of you are particularly interested in ;) LOL

I've started taking Vitex and I had a good chat to the lady at the chemist.  I'm glad I spoke to her as she was actually rather thorough asking questions about my cycle. TMI warning ahead: In talking to her, it seems that perhaps my cycles (apart from being all over the place) are not normal as talking about it, I don't seem to get much red blood when AF arrives, it's mostly brown and clotty.  She said this isn't exactly normal but it's not something I need to be rushing off to the doctor about as she seems to think the Vitex will definitely sort this out.  I'd be interested in hearing from others about this if you don't mind sharing?  She said that it may take at least 2 cycles for the Vitex to have any effect - if you've taken Vitex, what are your experiences with it?

I thought I'd give also give a quick update on the weight loss while I'm here.

I've been going to the gym (including the gym in our building over Easter when the normal gym was closed!) regularly and trying to push harder each time.  Every time it starts to feel too hard, I remind myself why I'm doing this, and start visualising that pregnancy, that baby, that child that I'm doing this for and before I know it, I've pushed through it and it's time to finish.  I've got my personal training sessions and I've done 4 of them now.  Two more to go.  The last two she's really pushed me and I think it's fair to say my legs and arms will be very sore tomorrow!!!

Weight-wise, I was disappointed to discover on Sunday that I'd only lost 400g since the previous Sunday.  I was so devastated that I hadn't reached my goal of 1kg a week when I've been extra good with food (as in NO naughty food at all!) and had been exercising my butt off!

I decided to weigh myself on Tuesday morning as I was sure that the cardio I'd done the couple of days prior to weigh in day just needed an extra day or two to catch up and I was right - according to the scales, I'd lost 1.5kg since Sunday!  Clearly I can't expect much of a weight loss (if any) next Sunday when I weigh myself but even if I don't lose anything for the rest of this week, I'm thrilled with this result.

So, the weight loss in total so far is 2.5 + 2.6 + 0.4 + 1.5= 6.5kg!!!

I am ecstatic that I have been able to achieve this on my own because I feel like every kilo I'm losing puts me one step closer to getting pregnant.  I decided though that I need to step it up a notch, so I paid some dollars and joined Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation.  I've started a new blog for my weight loss stuff as there are prizes involved but I'll still update bits and pieces on here.  If you're interested in keeping track of my weight loss journey, the new blog is: http://bellas12wbt.blogspot.com/ .

I've actually noticed in the last week-ish my sex drive has started to return, which has definitely gotta be a good thing for baby making eh?!?!  Not to mention, the new jeans I bought a few weeks ago no longer fit me (OK so they were a fraction too big for me then, but now they're waaaay too big for me!).  That's gotta be a good thing!

Wish me luck!!!!

Weigh in day

This morning was weigh in day.  I was nervous.  I almost didn't weigh myself.  My goal was to have lost 1kg since Sunday last week.  I stupidly had already weighed myself on Wednesday and had only lost 200g which is really nothing.  I know it was too early, but I was still worried I'd be disappointed when I stood on the scales this morning.

But, I wasn't disappointed.  In fact, I wasn't disappointed at all, I was thrilled to discover that I had lost 2.6kg since Sunday last week.

It's amazing what can happen when you prioritise baby over chocolate etc (although I won't lie - this week when I had AF, and when I was writing the assignment that was due, I'd have LOVED some chocolate but I refused to give into temptation).

I had a personal training session on Thursday night and we talked about my goal to have a baby, the weight that might be holding me back from achieving that goal and how my bad lower back will cope when I do get that goal.

We did some exercises that will hopefully strengthen my core muscles etc in the hope that it will help when I do get pregnant.  I realised how much I'd missed personal training and how much better the gym is for me when I have someone to answer to, and someone to push me further than I'd push myself.  I decided to pay for 6 PT sessions for the month I've got this gym membership, which works out to be 2 sessions a week.  I decided it was an investment in losing the weight in the hope that this will help me get pregnant, and also an investment to make pregnancy easier on my back.  It might only be a month, but after that month, I'll definitely be looking at joining a gym and doing PT again - it really does make such a difference.

I also hope that by focussing on my health, it will take the focus off TTC and also make me feel a bit better about myself.  I have to admit that since I realised just how much weight I'd put on, I haven't felt like DTD as much as I used to.  To be honest, the reason we were out last month was because I'd ovulated late, and we really hadn't had sex around that time, at all...! I hope that by losing weight, it'll give me back my mojo and we'll be going like rabbits again like we used to, before TTC and before I realised how much weight I'd put on.  This too, will help us get that baby that we both want.

Fingers crossed!
xxx

And another one bites the dust

Looks like I'm out this month - AF joyfully (not) arrived on Monday at CD37.  Not happy Jan - no 2011 baby for me now...  

This time 3 years ago, I was pregnant.  I really hope I'm pregnant again before the anniversary of when I lost my twins in June.

Going to head to the chemist on the weekend and get me some Vitex as suggested by Tee - these long irregular cycles are annoying (and a huge head fuck!!!).

The eating and exercise plan is going well so far this week (on like, day 3...).  I haven't had one coffee, or any junk food at all so far - no small feat, although I can't say I haven't missed that morning coffee...  I've been to the gym every day so far this week.  On Monday I did Zumba and Body Pump.  On Tuesday I did Power Yoga.  I got up extra early this morning and fit in Hatha Yoga before work.  Tomorrow I'm doing a boxing class.  Let me tell you, I'm discovering muscles I had long forgotten about, but it's good to feel that again.

I just hope that this hard work reflects on the scales on Sunday, and that losing this weight will give me that baby that I have wanted for so long.

On another note...

I'm now CD36 and my Sydney Boy was wrong with his prediction - still no AF.  I caved and tested last week at CD31 (I think) and it was a BFN.

If no AF by Friday I'll do another HPT, and if that's still a BFN I will be going to the doctor for a blood test to see, at the very least, whether I've even ovulated yet.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

On my way to getting that baby...

I weighed myself today on the Wii Fit and I was very happy to see that I've lost 2.5kg since I last weighed myself.  I'm very happy to have discovered this, even though the last time I weighed myself was a month ago, so it's a very slow weightloss.  That said, I'm still pretty happy with it when I consider I haven't done any exercise, and up until the end of last week, although I was eating somewhat healthily most of the time, there was still room for improvement (read: 3pm sugar binges and sometimes skipping breakky).

I bought Michelle Bridges' Crunchtime Cookbook on Wednesday night which I'm super impressed with.  It's got lots of great info in it as well as a 12 week meal plan with recipes for every meal, where all the meals are simple, don't take much time to prepare and I don't have to go to some obscure shop in the middle of Timbucktoo to find some of the ingredients.

Needless to say, since Thursday, I've been eating only meals from the book and I have to say I'm really enjoying it.  I've never really been shown how to eat healthy like this before.  Growing up, my grandmother used to cook the same old mashed potato and pumpkin, carrots and meat every night, and when mum cooked, it would mostly be something out of a cardboard box from the freezer.  If mum did make a salad, it was always a very boring iceberg lettuce, cheese and tomato sort of salad which always left me feeling hungry which never really inspired me to want to eat salads.

I also managed to score a month's membership at the V Club for $30 which I thought was the Universe telling me that there is no time like the present to get this weight off me in the hope that this is what is holding me back in the baby-stakes.

My first visit was Thursday night (I didn't waste any time) and I went to a belly dancing class - let me just say, I had forgotten how uncoordinated I am!!!!

Anyway, tomorrow is D-Day, the official start day for smashing both my eating habits and my exercise habits.  I'm hoping to go to the Cycle class (if there are enough bikes, because I'm only on a trial pass, I can't book them!) and then follow that by the Body Pump class.  I know that's a lot and to be honest I'm not even sure I'll be able to manage it, but it's the only way I can get to all the classes in the week.

I WILL get that baby.  Maybe not this year now, but that doesn't mean I can't have a 2012 baby...

The 2ww and then some...

Just a quick update from me (I should be studying but am once again, procrastinating!!)...

I'm now CD29 and AF hasn't arrived.  Looks like it's going to be a long month this month again.  Just when I thought I had the patterns down pat, and figured out, last month I thought it was going to be a long month and turned out to be a 29 day cycle.  This month, I thought it was going to be a short month and looks like it's going to be a long month.

I try not to symptom spot but as those who have been through the tww will know, it's fucking hard.  Take Friday for example, walking along the street and my arm that is up holding my handbag on my shoulder bumps my boob as I brush past people and I think, "hmmm that nipple feels a little sore, how do I 'feel' myself up in public without actually looking like I'm intentionally touching my boobs?".  My nipples are VERY sore at the moment and I wish I could say that this must mean I'm UTD, but as we all know, the symptoms for pregnancy and AF are so similar, it's hard (if not impossible) to tell them apart.

DP has predicted that AF will arrive on Tuesday.  He seems to be more accurate than the BOM (Bureau of Meteorology in case you weren't sure), so I guess we'll see...

Operation: Back on Track

So, I've given my healthy eating for a baby plan a name - Operation: Back on Track.

Last week I was really proud of myself.  I had increased my water intake (from nothing to 750ml bottle) and had managed to have a salad every day for lunch.  The salad consisted of baby spinach leaves, chick peas, 3 beans, 1/4 avocado, some grape tomatoes and small tin of tuna & sweet corn & mayo (yes I know it's not entirely healthy, but it's a start yeah?!).  I made sure I had veges for dinner every night and fought the urge to have some of those hot chips on Sydney Boy's plate... OK OK , so I confess I did steal a couple off his plate... but still... a good effort nonetheless...

I also started eating breakfast and packed plenty of fruit with me which I usually devoured by lunch time (whoops).  I stopped drinking my lattes, in the (probably false) hope that the increase of water less the caffeine to dehydrate me would be better...

Sometimes it was easy to stave off those 3pm sugar lows because I'd ask myself whether I wanted the junk food or the baby more.  The baby won out every time... obviously.  The problem is that I'd forgotten how easy it can be to get junk without even thinking about it once you're back in the habit of it.  So, some days I did really well, and other days I failed.

This week started off well - I chose to stay in the office and eat my salad instead of going outside for the meat pie I had craved (yes, thanks work mate for making the smell waft through the office!), although today I didn't leave enough time this morning to pack lunch and then at lunch, I couldn't get cash out of the ATM because it was down and I didn't know where the next closest one was, nor could I find anywhere I could get a salad sandwich or just a salad where I could EFTPOS it so I had to go to Coles and get a frozen pasta meal.  Although it's not McDonalds, so it was healthier in that respect, I had been trying to avoid eating carbs, especially in the afternoon.

It was our anniversary yesterday so we went out for Outback Jacks for dinner and I had ribs which were yummy... but not healthy...

On the upside, we did have some pretty hot BD'ing last night and I did have some EWCM today so fingers crossed that we catch the egg this month...  I'm not monitoring my cycles at the moment to see whether they shorten when not being watched (going with the kettle doesn't boil while you're watching it theory...) so I'm not exactly sure whether I should be ovulating around now or what... I assume I'll find out at some point...

So that's me... trying to eat healthy for baby, trying not to keep track of where I'm at in my cycle to conceive baby, hoping for a baby soon...

So, maybe we need more practising?

Well, I dunno, but AF arrived at CD29 on Sunday so I'm assuming that's what the universe thinks... I'm sure my Sydney Boy is up for the continual 'practising'...

I feel like part of what might be holding me back is my weight.  Since May last year, I have put on 13kg.  It's sickening.  The worst part is that it was such a slow progression that it's only 13 kilos later that I've gone "hey, wait the fuck up, there's something wrong here".  I know it sounds silly and I know that any excuse that I can come up with will be just that... an excuse... so I won't even bother.

Even though I know that losing weight might help my chances with falling pregnant, some days I just have no will power.  My sweet tooth is just really strong, there's no fighting it.  Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I don't remember how to fight it.  I'm really disappointed in myself for having put on so much weight when I'd just lost all that weight the year before.

I know that I can lose the weight again, but it's really hard, especially with a partner who doesn't eat vegetables and fruit, who would be happy to eat chips every night.  Sure he offers me the alternative of veges, but they just don't taste the same when he's sitting across from me munching on chips.  Yes, it's an excuse I know and I'm full of them.

The thing is we don't eat that unhealthily overall but I can see room for improvement.  Take today for example.  This is what I've eaten (which resembles a somewhat ordinary day):

Breakfast: coffee with skim milk and an egg sandwich (on brown bread, no butter)
Snack: 5 dates
Lunch: left overs from dinner last night: 'casserole' with chicken, sausage (only 1), red capsicum, beans, carrot, canned tomatoes, mushroom and onion
Snack: (the only really naughty food for the day) Cherry Ripe and skinny chai latte
Dinner: Meatloaf with garlic bread and roast potato.
Dessert: 1 jelly cup of weight watchers jelly with a cup of fruit.

So, it's not entirely unhealthy (well not the biggest loser unhealthy anyway...) but it's not exactly healthy either...

I've been thinking about taking the chromium tablets again to curb the sugar cravings, but then I worry that the last time I was taking them I got pregnant and had a miscarriage.  I don't know for sure that the chromium tablets didn't have anything to do with the miscarriage - maybe they did - and I don't really want to take that risk again.

I'd really like to go back to a personal trainer again - that seemed to make life much easier, even the eating was easier because I had someone to answer to - but it's just not an option right now, at least not for a few more months anyway.

So, anyone got any tips on the weight loss without a personal trainer? How to stay motivated? Healthy recipes WITHOUT VEGES (yeah right) or at least advice on how the heck I can possibly enjoy the 'healthy food' while my other half sits across the table eating junk?

Strategy to prevent early testing

 I want you all to do something for me... Go and get all of your HPTs that you have in the house before you read further... I'll wait here until you've got them all...

......

C'mon, how long does it take? Surely you don't have *that* many?

.....

OK, OK, maybe you do?

......

Right, are you back yet?

......

OK, now that you've got them, I want you to put them in the furtherest corner of the room from you and STEP AWAY SLOWLY FROM THE HPTS.

Do not look at the HPTs - if you do, you may hear such things as "pick me up and use me". You do not want that. Trust me. Once you hear those voices, it's all over for you.

When your DP/DH comes home, I want you to give him the tests. I'd suggest cotton wool or ear plugs to avoid hearing those voices again.

Get your calendar out, and choose a date, about a week from now... c'mon, you can do it...

Now, for the fun part... a game of hide and go seek, well minus the seeking part...

Go take a long relaxing bath - you deserve to relax after all..

Mean while DP/DH is to hide all of your testers - no peaking!!!! Here's my hot tip for him: somewhere up high, or where you'd never think to look for it... Tell him to be as creative as he can possibly be

Make sure you tell your DP/DH the date you chose (NO CHEATING!!!!).

DP/DH can then get the tests out on your 'special date' if AF has not arrived. Give DP/DH your credit cards or any methods you may use should you be tempted by HPTs in the shops...

Become a recluse for the next week to avoid the temptation to buy more HPTs...

And make sure you tie yourself to the bed, or the couch or somewhere in the house that will prevent you from searching high and low for those hidden HPTs...

And if all else fails, continually chant, "If I'm pregnant today, I'll be pregnant tomorrow/the day after/next week. If I'm not, let me live in blissful ignorance until AF arrives..."

Trust me... it works...  so well in fact that two months ago, DP hid the remaining 2 testers and because AF arrived early last month, no testing was required.  This month I've had a lot of pain 'down there'.  In one of my moments of hopefulness, I contemplated testing in the hope that maybe it was my uterus stretching (yeah right).  

But, guess what? DP can't remember where he hid the testers.  He's not lying because he's a bad liar and I can tell when he is lying.  He really has forgotten where he put them.

So, no early testing... (CD28 isn't even until Friday anyway...)

See? It really does work!

A disappointing holiday

We got back on Tuesday from 5 days in New Zealand.  I wish I could say that it was a great holiday but it was actually really disappointing, even though in 'public' (ie Facebook), it was GREAT.

We went with friends of my Sydney Boy's and it felt like we spent half the time there waiting.  Breakfast was always organised for 10am, and then we'd spend 15 to 20 mins waiting for them to arrive (we were all staying in separate hotels).  So, by the time they arrived, ordered food and then ate and made decisions about what we'd be doing for the day (because they would never commit to anything the day before!), it was around 11.30/12 so half the day had literally gone therefore limiting what we could do, or the number of places/things we could go and do.  So, that was very disappointing and very frustrating.

The other reason that the holiday was disappointing is because when we booked this holiday, I had envisioned that I would be pregnant.  I'd spent so much of the time leading up to the holiday thinking that I would be pregnant on our holiday because it seemed (at the time of booking it) like such a long time away.  So of course when AF arrived on the Sunday before we left for NZ, 3 days early and totally unexpected I might add, it just felt like an extra kick in the guts.

Every time I ate seafood, I couldn't help but think "I wouldn't have been eating this if I was pregnant", every pregnant woman I saw made me think "that should have been me!".  I couldn't even really enjoy the day at the Polynesian Spa, because the whole time I was sitting in the sulphur spa, I kept thinking "I don't think I'd have been doing this if I were pregnant - why aren't I pregnant yet? What is wrong with me?" and, let's face it, in the spa, you're pretty alone with your thoughts without the distraction of TV/internet/phone/ipod etc (and Sydney Boy had gone go-carting with his mates so no distraction from a companion either).

I know I really should be grateful - and I really do have so much to be thankful about.  Heck, some people can't even afford to have a quick overseas holiday, and some have been trying far longer than we have.  Not to mention the fact that once we have a baby, these get aways will become harder to organise and more expensive (maybe even non-existent, for a while).

Believe me when I say I am grateful for what we have, and enjoying what I've got, but I think I have learnt a very important lesson from all of this.

Up until now, I had put a ban on organising any more holidays this year because "I might be pregnant by then/have a new born" etc etc.  I realised that in doing this, I'm potentially only setting myself up for disappointment if by that time I'm still not pregnant.  I realised that I need something to look forward to and if a baby isn't it, it may as well damn well be a freakin' holiday.

So, with that in mind, I've started to look at various destinations for a holiday toward the end of the year.  We won't be booking anything until after we've moved in May/June and get ourselves set up, but at least by then, the year will be halfway over and there'll be no danger of having a newborn before the end of the year.

I hope that in making this decision, the end of the year will be associated with a holiday which is something I DO have control over, rather than a baby which is something that I have NO control over.

So, the important question now is...

Where should we go?!

Waiting

Life is full of waiting isn't it? 


From almost the moment we wake up in the morning, we're waiting for something.  Whether it's waiting in line to buy a ticket on the train/bus/ferry, or waiting for that train/bus/ferry to arrive.  Maybe it's waiting in the traffic jam, waiting for our favourite TV show to come on or waiting for dinner to cook.  Our days are filled with waiting.


We wait until we're old enough to go to school, then we're waiting until we can leave school, waiting until we can get a job, waiting until we meet the right person, waiting for them to call, waiting for the next date, waiting to start that new job, waiting for the next best thing...


We're waiting for the next weekend, the next public holiday, the next weekend or holiday away.  We're waiting for our birthdays, for Christmas.


Right now, I'm waiting for my Sydney Boy to come home.


Waiting.


I have spent the last 2 and a half (almost 3) years waiting for the opportunity to try to conceive another baby. To get through that time waiting, I convinced myself that the waiting was a great opportunity for me to have lots of fun without the tie down of kids (and I did).  I convinced myself that the waiting meant that 'in a perfect world', the waiting was just being 'banked' so that when the time came, it'd happen easily and quickly.  I mean, after all, I'd done my time waiting right?!


So now I'm stuck in a conundrum.  Technically, it's only 4 months, next to nothing, but yet because of the previous waiting, it feels like so much more.  The closer I am to the end goal, the further away I feel that I am.


In all of this time, while I have been waiting, I have been watching others get pregnant and experience all those things that I almost had, all those things that I want so badly, and hope to one day get to myself.  


While I have been waiting, I feel like I am being left behind.  I can't help but be hurt by those who came to me during a time of their need, their own loss, and I listened to their concerns and their grief and helped them through it where I could, but when their life moved on and they got pregnant again and it's like they have become the very essence of the people they once were so hurt by themselves.  


I can't help but feel as though they too, the very people I thought understood how it felt, have left me behind too.  And it really hurts.


I am reminded of that old saying "when you think the world turned it's back on you, take a closer look, maybe it was you who turned your back on the world" or something like that...  


In some cases, that does apply.  I have become someone that sometimes I don't even recognise - I feel so much bitterness when the topic of babies surfaces.  I feel ripped off that I won't ever get that innocent first pregnancy.  I feel ripped off that people who are, in my eyes, undeserving can get pregnant so easily when it's not as easy for me (and in some people's cases, down right difficult).  It's because of this, that I have distanced myself from certain people, just to spare me, and them a little bit of bitterness.


And maybe, to a degree, part of it is that I want to be the one who is doing the leaving behind.  No, that's not it.  I want to be the one who has the *choice* to do the leaving behind.  


I really am just tired of the waiting.  And yet that's all I can do:


Just wait.

Disclaimers

I guess that I should be up front and put a couple of facts here: 

1. I *know* I'm only 25, that I have LOTS of time before I have to worry about running out of time.
2. I *know* that we have only been trying for 4 cycles so far (this will be our 5th) and others have been trying far, far longer than we have.
3. I *know* that if we just relax and stop thinking about it, it will probably happen.

But, with that, is this:

1. I feel like I was born ready for kids.  
2. My miscarraige turned a switch on inside of me that I have yet not been able to find the off button.  
3. Next month will mark 3 years since the only time I have been pregnant.  
4. June this year marks 3 years since I lost my twins.
5. As a result of 3 and 4, it *feels* like it is longer than 4 cycles that I have been waiting, because technically I have been waiting almost 3 years.
6. I know several women with fertility issues, and I'm terrified that with my history with Mr T and Mr J, this is something that, quite conceivably could one day be me.
7. Trying to relax and stop thinking about it, is a bit like trying to get a kid to relax and stop thinking about Christmas.

I guess the reason I am saying all of this is to put the things I say into context.  When I'm whinging that I feel like I am never going to get pregnant, it's in this context.  

It's the head constantly fighting with the heart.  The only question is, which one will win?

In the beginning

Someone once said that you won't know where you're going until you know where you've been.  I guess that is why, so you will understand where I am and where I'm going, I should first explain where I have been.


I always wanted to be a mum, even when I was younger.  I used to think that by the time I was 21 I would be married and have a baby, or at least be pregnant.  I'm now 25 and sometimes feel as though I'm no closer now to this than when I first thought this.  Of course I know that I've got plenty of time up my sleeve, but it's the waiting that just feels so hopeless.  


I've almost had it a couple of times, and I've been incredibly lucky both times that I didn't get what I wanted when I wanted it.  I am sure someone was looking out for me up "there", wherever "there" is.


When I was in my last year of high school, I met a man, Mr T who was 5 years older than me.  This relationship lasted 2 and a half years with a further year added dragging it out getting back together and breaking up.  In those 3 and a half years, we used protection for the first couple of months, and I was not on the pill yet I never fell pregnant.  At first it was all a bit of a thrill, I admit, thinking we were pretty clever to avoid pregnancy.  After a while though, we began (well at least I did) to wonder why I hadn't fallen pregnant, and so every time I got my period, I'd spend the entire time hoping it would be my last.  Back then, I thought getting pregnant was as simple as "Insert tab A into slot B" and couldn't work out why it wasn't happening.  Eventually the relationship came to its final conclusion and within 3 or so months, I found out that Mr T had met another woman and she had fallen pregnant with his child.  I was devastated to hear this and drew the conclusion that I was unable to get pregnant.


Fast forward 3 years on, in another relationship with Mr J, who was very much older than me and I accidentally get pregnant.  After the shock wore off, the joy and excitement came, even more so when I found out that I was pregnant with twins.  That excitement and joy was short lived, though, when I had a missed miscarriage and lost both of them.  


I spent the following 2 years enjoying the single life, not knowing when I'd meet my knight in shining armour, or even *if* I'd ever meet him.  I can truly and honestly say that my 23rd year was a brilliant year and I was disappointed to turn 24 as I didn't think that I could ever have a year quite like the previous one.  Mind you, after everything that had happened when I was 22, I don't think it would have taken much to make my year as a 23 year old amazing.


Then, last year, I met the most amazing, loving, caring man that I have ever met.  The man whose body fits with mine, who can read my mind in much the same way as I can read a book.  Finally, a man where there are no rollercoaster rides of emotions, someone who does not screw me around.  I fell head over heels in love.  To read the VERY long version of this story, check it out here.


We decided late last year to start to try to make a baby Bella or a baby Sydney Boy and so far we haven't been successful.  I'm hoping and praying for a 2011 baby but hopes are running out fast now that we're already in February...