The last day on earth

Disclaimer: I apologise right here and now for the "poor me" post...  So if you're not in the mood or whatever, now is probably the top to stop reading ....

With all this talk of the apparent end of the world in the last couple of days (which by the way, just in case it's real, it was great knowing you all LMAO), I've had the song, Last Day on Earth by Kate Miller-Heidke in my head.  I thought it would be funny to post it on Facebook, just as a laugh.

In case you haven't heard it, you can listen to it here:



I went to YouTube to find it again and link it on my Facebook page, and it was then I knew it was a bit of a stupid idea to go and listen to it.  When the song came out a year or two ago (has it been that long already?) I was driving in my car listening to the radio and when it came on, it reminded me of my twins... you know, if it were the end of the world, the twins would be back with me.

I haven't cried in over a year, with the exception of course of when my grandfather died almost a year ago.  Yet all of a sudden, I had tears streaming down my face.  I cried throughout the whole song, and by the end almost wished that it was the end of the world tomorrow, just for my twins.

Just in case you missed it, I'm not pregnant yet.  On 5 June, a little over 2 weeks away, it will mark three years since my world came crashing down on me.  Three years since I was pregnant.  Three years of waiting for another baby.  Three years of that tap that was turned on when I was pregnant, and was never turned off - I never found the switch.  Three whole years of yearning and watching others get their BFPs and leave me behind.  Three years of watching others get to experience all of those things that I wanted to experience.

Nonetheless, today's tears took me by surprise.  I wasn't expecting them.  I haven't been dwelling on things any more than usual.  I didn't even go to YouTube with the intention of making myself cry listening to the songs that remind me of my twins (although I admit there was a time once upon a time where I did).  I just went to YouTube to listen to a song that I hadn't heard in ages.

I didn't expect to cry.  Those tears, I think, were tears still grieving the loss of my beloved twins.  They were also the frustration and disappointment I'm feeling about not being pregnant yet.  Tears because I'd convinced myself that all that waiting was being banked up so it would be easy when I did TTC again.  Tears because I tricked myself into believing this making it easier at the time, but now it's just made the waiting now even harder.

But surely by now I'm entitled to be a little impatient.  This isn't about the 7 cycles we've been TTC, this is about the last 3 years and I'm really truly tired of waiting.  Surely it's my turn now?