The story of the chocolate cupcake

I’m doing some temp work at the moment (until Friday) and my temp agency came into work this afternoon and she handed me a little box with a cupcake in it from the Cupcake Shop.

I didn’t want to be rude because it was nice of her to do so I accepted it.  After she left, I opened the box and looked inside.  A chocolate cupcake.  It looked delicious. 

I sat there at my desk and stared at the chocolate cupcake.  I smelt it (I’m sure if any of my work colleagues saw me, they would have thought I was nuts).  I closed my eyes and imagined how good it would taste, and how it would feel in my mouth.  I imagined how good I would feel eating it and satisfying the urge for chocolate, especially since I haven’t had any sort of junk now for 8 weeks.

I closed the box again and thought about how good it will feel tomorrow when I get a good number on the scales.  I imagined getting to my goal weight, and how freaking awesome I will feel.  I pictured getting that positive pregnancy test because I’ve lost so much weight, my body has gotten back to ‘my normal’ again.  I imagined how it would feel to get that far without eating any of this sort of unhealthy food.

I asked myself what would be more satisfying in the long run: the chocolate cupcake or a child?

I very promptly gave the chocolate cupcake to a work colleague who was more than willing to take it off my hands.  Neither she or anyone else could quite believe how anyone could give up a chocolate cupcake (or any cupcake for that matter).  They were in awe of my ability to give it away without a second thought (little did they know! Ha!).

Tonight when I got home, I went down to the gym in our building and burnt off that chocolate cupcake that I didn’t eat.  In fact, I burnt off almost 3 chocolate cupcakes that I didn’t eat - 581 calories (Based on MyFitnessPal which says the cupcake is worth 200 cals).

And might I say, I’m mighty proud of myself tonight. 

Cupcake - 0
Me - 1

11.1kg closer to getting that BFP (maybe more after tomorrow morning's weigh in!!!)

The last day on earth

Disclaimer: I apologise right here and now for the "poor me" post...  So if you're not in the mood or whatever, now is probably the top to stop reading ....

With all this talk of the apparent end of the world in the last couple of days (which by the way, just in case it's real, it was great knowing you all LMAO), I've had the song, Last Day on Earth by Kate Miller-Heidke in my head.  I thought it would be funny to post it on Facebook, just as a laugh.

In case you haven't heard it, you can listen to it here:



I went to YouTube to find it again and link it on my Facebook page, and it was then I knew it was a bit of a stupid idea to go and listen to it.  When the song came out a year or two ago (has it been that long already?) I was driving in my car listening to the radio and when it came on, it reminded me of my twins... you know, if it were the end of the world, the twins would be back with me.

I haven't cried in over a year, with the exception of course of when my grandfather died almost a year ago.  Yet all of a sudden, I had tears streaming down my face.  I cried throughout the whole song, and by the end almost wished that it was the end of the world tomorrow, just for my twins.

Just in case you missed it, I'm not pregnant yet.  On 5 June, a little over 2 weeks away, it will mark three years since my world came crashing down on me.  Three years since I was pregnant.  Three years of waiting for another baby.  Three years of that tap that was turned on when I was pregnant, and was never turned off - I never found the switch.  Three whole years of yearning and watching others get their BFPs and leave me behind.  Three years of watching others get to experience all of those things that I wanted to experience.

Nonetheless, today's tears took me by surprise.  I wasn't expecting them.  I haven't been dwelling on things any more than usual.  I didn't even go to YouTube with the intention of making myself cry listening to the songs that remind me of my twins (although I admit there was a time once upon a time where I did).  I just went to YouTube to listen to a song that I hadn't heard in ages.

I didn't expect to cry.  Those tears, I think, were tears still grieving the loss of my beloved twins.  They were also the frustration and disappointment I'm feeling about not being pregnant yet.  Tears because I'd convinced myself that all that waiting was being banked up so it would be easy when I did TTC again.  Tears because I tricked myself into believing this making it easier at the time, but now it's just made the waiting now even harder.

But surely by now I'm entitled to be a little impatient.  This isn't about the 7 cycles we've been TTC, this is about the last 3 years and I'm really truly tired of waiting.  Surely it's my turn now?

10kg mark

I am so happy to share that I have cracked the 10kg weight loss mark this morning.  I'm so freakin' happy.  10kg closer to getting that BFP.

Baby is an awesome motivator.

In other TTC related news, I'm CD9 and Sydney Boy is coming home tonight from Queensland so no doubt there will be some BDing tonight... if he's home early enough that is (his plane has been delayed so not likely to be home before 11pm now... BOOOO).  Hoping to get some BD'ing in over the next few days leading up to (hopefully) ovulation.  Have been taking the Vitex so fingers crossed that is weaving some magic in there...

Surely 10kg loss + Vitex + Sex + Love must = Baby!?!

Here's to hoping!

I just found my ultimate commitment

I jumped onto Facebook this afternoon and saw this post:

I had already put the City 2 Surf as one of my goals for my 12 Week Body Transformation, but when I saw this post, that was it, it sealed the deal.

For every $45 I can raise, a gift bag will be given to a baby lost family in honour of my baby/ies which includes (amongst a number of things) a bear, candle, photo frame, poem etc etc.  I really wish that I had been given a bear when I first lost my twins (almost) 3 years ago.

If that wasn't enough, when I read that if I raise $250 I can get a personalised shirt that says "I am running for XXXX", I realised that whether or not I raise the $250 for that shirt, I will make it my mission to run for not only my twins, but all of the babies taken too soon from their parents, and for all those parents who have been left heartbroken, feeling isolated and alone, that nobody 'gets it' and that nobody cares.

I care.  I 'get it' and they are not alone.

To seal the deal, I posted it in my status update on my own Facebook:

There's no turning back now.

Anyone want to join me?

Another month, another bitch arrives

Well ladies, looks like we're out this month.  AF has just arrived today, CD30.

Positives:

• CD30 is pretty good compared to CD39, maybe my cycle might be normalising (hopefully?)
• I now have another month to lose more weight.  The benefits of this are that it'll make me healthier, give me a greater chance of getting pregnant, make pregnancy easier on me than what it would've been if I hadn't lost the weight, less potential problems during pregnancy as a result of being overweight.
• No potential morning sickness for my flight back to Brisbane at the beginning of June.

Yes, must think of the positives - Lord knows the negatives suck ass.

Please Universe/God/Powers-that-Be don't let me get to the 3 year anniversary of when I miscarried and not be pregnant again.  My 3 year anniversary is 5 June and hopes are fading for that wish to be fulfilled.

CD28 and Weigh in day

Well, it's CD28 here for me and no AF.  Who knows when she'll show up (if she does, and let's hope she doesn't!!!) - could be today, could be anytime in the next 10 days.  She must be coming shortly though as I was very teary eyed this morning, but then again it is Mothers Day and yet again I still have no child and don't really feel that much closer, if at all, to having one.

In less than 1 month, it will be 3 years since I lost my twins.  That's 3 years of waiting for another baby.  No wonder I am so over the waiting.  I think I'm entitled to be by now...

I was teary eyed yesterday explaining the plot of the movie, "The Notebook" to my Sydney Boy too so that tells me AF is probably on her way, the bitch mole.

In good news though, today was weigh in day and I was very pleased to discover another 1.7kg has disappeared off the scales.  That means I have now lost 7.9kg and have another 3kg to reach double figures again.  When I reach that 3kg, I have promised myself a spray tan as a reward for all my hard work (although not sure what purpose that is going to serve if I'm going to smash it out at the gym and sweat it all off!!! LOL).

I was a bit worried about weighing myself today if AF is just around the corner as it may have made me a bit heavier, so I was thrilled to see such a good result!  If 1.7kg is gone, that must mean I'm now almost 2 steps closer to getting that BFP... I really have to believe that as it's the only thing that keeps me motivated.

The arthritis in my right knee has been playing up in the last 3 days (although it's somewhat better today), but then I had to go and slip on the board walk when we went to the Blue Mountains yesterday so now I have a nasty gash on my left knee that hurts like fuck.  Not sure how I'll go with exercise tomorrow but I must do it if I am to lose that weight.

Must push on.  I will get pregnant, damn it.

4 weeks with no chocolate, softdrink, dessert and counting...

When you take your eye off the ball...

Time goes faster... just had a sneak peak at where I'm up to in my cycle and I'm already at CD25!!! Amazing what can happen when you're not paying attention!

Looks like my tactic of attention diversion has worked so far (just wish it'd worked for a few more days! LOL).