Dear 26 year old me

18 August 2022

Dear 26 year old me, 

You've made it another 10 years and things have changed so much in this time.  Life has thrown you many curveballs - some you were expecting and others that knocked you to your knees from the shock but you've taken things in your stride, no matter how bad the situation and just gotten on with it.  You've got more guts and balls than you ever thought you had and you should be proud of your determination.

It took you a long time to stop fighting things (life, the universe, yourself, your demons) and instead embrace the lessons that had come to you.   The thing you still struggle with, even 10 years later is embracing the circumstances you're placed in, when the lesson is unclear.  The thing is, by embracing the circumstances, the lesson will eventually come clear but you have to learn to be patient.  Even now you're not great at doing this, but I promise you that you're getting better.  Perhaps this will be something you will spend your whole life trying to learn. 

You finally won the baby lotto and have two beautiful children.  After they arrived, right at the point where you were wistfully remembering those Sunday morning sleep ins and how you used to be to go to the toilet on your own, you even wondered why you made all that fuss to have a baby in the first place!  Despite this, you wouldn't have your life any other way.  

Richard is a great dad to the kids and they adore him.  You love how he is with them and how much they love doing things with him.  He's still a great husband, although still knows how to get on every single one of your nerves (guess that's where the kids learnt it!).  He brings a softness and thoughtfulness to the family that is needed.  I don't think you could have chosen a better man to raise your kids with.  

You know all those things you said you wouldn't do when you were a mum? Guess what? You have, for the most part, done them (with some exceptions).  All those things you said your kids wouldn't do? You got it, they've mostly done it.  But guess what? They're still good kids, and you're still a great mum, despite your fears that you wouldn't be.  All those years beating yourself up thinking that the universe was stopping you from being a mum because you were going to be bad at it was for nothing.  Of course you're not perfect - you get things wrong, you snap sometimes when you probably shouldn't, you tune out when Richard and the kids are talking and sometimes you just want to be left alone for an hour, but you like to think that you're teaching your kids valuable lessons about life and they're certainly not damaged from this.  Ask them when they're 26 themselves and we'll find out for sure!

Your twins would have been turning 14 this year and you still wonder what they'd have been like.  You still pause on 5 June every year to think about them and how much further you feel from the day you lost them.  Every year when you're celebrating your niece's birthday, you're also silently sending birthday wishes up to the two babies that never were.  The pain never leaves, and perhaps the biggest lesson you've learnt since finally having kids of your own is that having them doesn't actually erase the pain of your loss.  Sometimes it only magnifies the pain.  So please let go of the notion that it will - you're only setting yourself up for a fall.  When that fall comes, try to be gentle with yourself.

Oh by the way, you know all that pressure you put on yourself for being so far behind from your cousins in the baby making stakes, and how terrified you were that your brother would have a baby first? Guess what? Your kids are still loved by your parents and your nanna.  It doesn't matter that they weren't 'first' because they are *yours* and that's all your parents and nanna care about.  Nobody has ever told your kids that they cannot be loved as much as the other great-grandkids or grandkids because they were not 'first' because it's simply not true.  Look at you as a prime example - you were not 'first' but you were loved equally, if not more than your cousins and brother.  I cannot believe you've spent so much of your energy thinking about this and feeling so much pain about it.  Please stop twisting yourself into knots on the inside and hurting yourself thinking about this.  

Sometimes life is not fair.  Sometimes it is.  You know this.  Please love yourself as much as others love you.  

I promise you that if you just let all this anger, fear and loathing go, life will take you to amazing places.  But you have to trust the universe.  Most importantly, trust and love yourself.  What you're looking for is just around the corner.  Just take good care of you.  It all works out.  Trust me.

Love, 
Your 36 year old self.

Still waiting

We're now into our 11th cycle.  Obviously still not UTD.  Still doing acupuncture every week and I have now lost.... weight for it, weight for it (I couldn't help using the pun lol)....a whopping 21.3kg since 14 April.  


I've lost 13cm from my chest, 18 from my waist, 9.5 off the widest part of my body (ie my arse) and approx 15cm off each thigh.  Kinda figures that I'd have lost the smallest amount around my arse, bloody typical isn't it?!?! What I'd like to do is take those 13cm and put them back on my chest, and take the 13cm from my arse!!!!!  But I digress...


Of course I'm getting impatient, but who isn't after they've been trying for 10 months, and who wouldn't be if they'd been waiting for the opportunity to try for another baby for over 3 years?


I've been focussing quite a bit on the weight loss which has been good because it's taken the focus off the TTC.  Interestingly, what initially started as losing weight to get pregnant has morphed into something completely unrelated to getting pregnant.  I'm liking the changes I can see in my body and rarely even connect eating healthy and exercising with the quest for a baby.


In fact, some months, I focus so much on the weight loss that I couldn't even tell you what CD I'm on, although I might have a vague idea of the general vicinity.  Some months, I've been lucky enough to even get to CD20-something before I realise it.  


Every time the red dragon shows her ugly distorted face, I try to remind myself that others are in a much worse situation, some have been trying for longer, others going through IVF and others who will never have their own child.  


It's still disappointing though.  I don't know any way around the disappointment.  I wish I did.

Winning the lotto

There's an old joke (and I'm not good at retelling jokes, so it's not going to be as funny as it could be) about a man.  Every night before he went to bed, he used to pray to God "Please God, please please please let me win the lottery".  He'd done this every night for years and years until one night, a big booming voice came from the sky "BUY A TICKET!".

I don't buy lotto tickets though, I've watched my mum and grandparents buy them all my life and rarely win anything (and if they did it'd be something like $20) so in my eyes, it's a big waste of money.  Yet I often joke about how I should've won the lotto and often think to this joke.  I think it's a good analogy on life in general.

I know that we haven't been trying 'that long' when you compare to others, but losing the weight, going to acupuncture, having sex, getting Sydney Boy onto the zinc and me taking the Vitex.... well, all of this to me is buying that lotto ticket in the baby lottery.

I say "baby lottery" because I like to think of having a baby as more to do with chance and luck than anything to do with karma.  If karma was involved, bad people would not get pregnant - accidentally or otherwise; and good deserving people would get pregnant easily, at the right time, without a glimmer of a sweat.  But a lottery, it's a game of chance and when you look at the science of conception, it really is chance that the sperm will make its way to the egg at exactly the right time and fertilise it.  And, let's face it, continually buying lotto tickets gets expensive, and so does various TTC 'tickets'...

So on this theory, surely the more tickets I buy, the more chances I have of winning the lottery sometime soon?

Acupuncture appointment

I had my acupuncture appointment yesterday.  I really was amazed by how little I felt the needles.  Yes, I know people say you can hardly feel them if at all but I really couldn't believe them - I thought it was one big conspiracy.

Anyway, we agreed to just acupuncture at this point without the herbs given the time we've been trying and the fact that she's also going to try and help fix some of the other issues my body seems to have (back problems, arthritis etc).

She felt my tummy and said it was particularly hard and should be soft.  By the end of the session, it was rather softer than she started - WTF?!?!

We've made weekly appointments starting in 2 weeks for a few weeks so hopefully that combined with the weight loss and Vitex should see some continuance of 28 day cycles and, hopefully.... a BFP.

Acupuncture and Zinc

This is now our 9th cycle and it really is getting too close to that 'magic' 12 month mark so any time now that my body decides to actually make a baby would be good...

Here's where we're at at the moment...

Sydney Boy has started taking some zinc stuff given he doesn't eat vegetables etc to get zinc to help his little spermies.

The Vitex seems to be working some magic on the wonky cycle front though:
Cycle 1 October: 39

Cycle 2 November: 27

Cycle 3 December: 37

Cycle 4 January: 24

Cycle 5 February: 28

Cycle 6 March: 36

Started taking Vitex here

Cycle 7 April: 30

Cycle 8 May: 28

So I'm hoping that if AF absolutely MUST show her horrible ugly and distorted face this month that she will do so on CD 28/9 and not some ridiculous day like CD30-something!

Tomorrow is CD14 so here's to hoping for a BFP this month or the next...

And of course, tomorrow I have my acupuncture appointment after work.  Fingers crossed.

My cousin had her baby

I've been bracing myself for this for months since I first found out she was pregnant.  I was so angry and jealous. Stricken with jealousy in fact.  She's a few years younger than me and her family have always been competitive with me.  They always have to be better or do better than me and it irritates me because then my competitive streak comes out (and I try to lock it in the cupboard as much as possible!).  It was bad enough when her brother got his girlfriend pregnant after being together for a couple of months (although their son is now 1 and they've just gotten married).  Their mother made sure to rub my nose in it.  They were wanting her to have a girl so that she could give our grandmother the first great grand daughter given her brother gave her the first great grand son.  

Turns out, she also had a boy, Harrison (which I'm peeved about because I like the bloody name!!!).  I couldn't help but feel so freakin' relieved.  One down, and one to go (I think the other cousin is due in Nov-ish).  Here's to hoping she has a boy too! lol

The jealousy of the fact she's gotten somewhere I haven't and the joy that it wasn't a girl quickly turned to guilt when I found out a day later that she has had fits since having the baby and spent most of Friday night unconscious.  They've done an MRI and they can't see anything wrong with her.  The doctors are baffled about what caused it.  Mum said she has lost sensation in her left side so I'm wondering whether a stroke or something was a possibility? 

So now I feel bad.  I obviously didn't cause or want this to happen to her, but fuck she could have died and here I was worrying that the freaking baby would be a girl.  I feel like the worst person in the world now.  

So bad in fact that I was prepared to drive the two hours to go see her in hospital (despite the competitiveness, she does seem to like me and look up to me according to my mum) and stop off on the way to pick up some baby stuff.  

The only reason I didn't was because it was raining, it's a long weekend which means double demerit points (not that I speed, or try too but I'm paranoid that the times I take my eyes off the speedo for a few minutes will be when the speed creeps up and I get done for speeding) and also because mum didn't really know where in the hospital my cousin was as she was getting the info second and third hand through my grandmother.  

I think if she is still in hospital next weekend (assuming the docs keep here there til they're satisfied she's not at risk of it happening again), I'll drive up and visit her.  Maybe the baby 'germs' will be catching and my uterus and eggs etc will go "oooooh so *that's* what I'm supposed to do" and make it happen for me.... and also I won't feel so guilty for being so jealous of her...

Hello from Brisbane - with an update

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last updated this blog, mainly because life has been so insanely crazy with organising to move interstate, and then the actual moving.  

Unfortunately I'm now another cycle down as AF arrived last week.  Although I'm obviously disappointed yet again, I'm pleased that my cycle was a 28 day cycle again.  I'm hoping that this means the Vitex is starting to weave it's magic.  If AF arrives this cycle (and let's pray she doesn't!), I'm hoping for another 28 day cycle as a sign my body is being normal finally.


My most exciting news is that I weighed in today to discover that I have lost another 3.2kg since I last weighed in 12 days ago.  So freakin' happy.  Even more exciting is that this brings me to exactly 15kg loss so far!!!! I almost can't believe it!!!!!!  If this doesn't make my body better for making babies and keeping them, well geez, I don't know what will.

I've also made an appointment with an acupuncturist here that, when googled, seemed to have a LOT of awesome reviews and a pretty high success rate.  I rang last week and couldn't get in til 21 June so I take it they're pretty popular (and therefore good at what they do).  The only downfall for that is that 21 June is CD14 exactly and I'm not sure whether they do any acupuncture on your first visit - does anyone who read my blog actually know?! But I'm thinking even if they did, it's probably not going to be much use for this cycle.  Bummer, but what can I do about it?!?! Not a great deal...


So hopefully, the equation of weight loss + Vitex + acupuncture + heatlhy eating + exercise + some good old fashioned hot BDing in our new bed = a BFP soon.  


Here's to hoping... 
xo

Raising money for Bears of Hope

I have just registered for the City 2 Surf and created a fundraising page to raise money for Bears of Hope Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support.

If you'd like to donate (no pressure of course!) especially with the end of financial year around the corner, you can go to this link for more info.

http://www.fundraise.city2surf.com.au/annmaree_findlay

xoxox

The story of the chocolate cupcake

I’m doing some temp work at the moment (until Friday) and my temp agency came into work this afternoon and she handed me a little box with a cupcake in it from the Cupcake Shop.

I didn’t want to be rude because it was nice of her to do so I accepted it.  After she left, I opened the box and looked inside.  A chocolate cupcake.  It looked delicious. 

I sat there at my desk and stared at the chocolate cupcake.  I smelt it (I’m sure if any of my work colleagues saw me, they would have thought I was nuts).  I closed my eyes and imagined how good it would taste, and how it would feel in my mouth.  I imagined how good I would feel eating it and satisfying the urge for chocolate, especially since I haven’t had any sort of junk now for 8 weeks.

I closed the box again and thought about how good it will feel tomorrow when I get a good number on the scales.  I imagined getting to my goal weight, and how freaking awesome I will feel.  I pictured getting that positive pregnancy test because I’ve lost so much weight, my body has gotten back to ‘my normal’ again.  I imagined how it would feel to get that far without eating any of this sort of unhealthy food.

I asked myself what would be more satisfying in the long run: the chocolate cupcake or a child?

I very promptly gave the chocolate cupcake to a work colleague who was more than willing to take it off my hands.  Neither she or anyone else could quite believe how anyone could give up a chocolate cupcake (or any cupcake for that matter).  They were in awe of my ability to give it away without a second thought (little did they know! Ha!).

Tonight when I got home, I went down to the gym in our building and burnt off that chocolate cupcake that I didn’t eat.  In fact, I burnt off almost 3 chocolate cupcakes that I didn’t eat - 581 calories (Based on MyFitnessPal which says the cupcake is worth 200 cals).

And might I say, I’m mighty proud of myself tonight. 

Cupcake - 0
Me - 1

11.1kg closer to getting that BFP (maybe more after tomorrow morning's weigh in!!!)

The last day on earth

Disclaimer: I apologise right here and now for the "poor me" post...  So if you're not in the mood or whatever, now is probably the top to stop reading ....

With all this talk of the apparent end of the world in the last couple of days (which by the way, just in case it's real, it was great knowing you all LMAO), I've had the song, Last Day on Earth by Kate Miller-Heidke in my head.  I thought it would be funny to post it on Facebook, just as a laugh.

In case you haven't heard it, you can listen to it here:



I went to YouTube to find it again and link it on my Facebook page, and it was then I knew it was a bit of a stupid idea to go and listen to it.  When the song came out a year or two ago (has it been that long already?) I was driving in my car listening to the radio and when it came on, it reminded me of my twins... you know, if it were the end of the world, the twins would be back with me.

I haven't cried in over a year, with the exception of course of when my grandfather died almost a year ago.  Yet all of a sudden, I had tears streaming down my face.  I cried throughout the whole song, and by the end almost wished that it was the end of the world tomorrow, just for my twins.

Just in case you missed it, I'm not pregnant yet.  On 5 June, a little over 2 weeks away, it will mark three years since my world came crashing down on me.  Three years since I was pregnant.  Three years of waiting for another baby.  Three years of that tap that was turned on when I was pregnant, and was never turned off - I never found the switch.  Three whole years of yearning and watching others get their BFPs and leave me behind.  Three years of watching others get to experience all of those things that I wanted to experience.

Nonetheless, today's tears took me by surprise.  I wasn't expecting them.  I haven't been dwelling on things any more than usual.  I didn't even go to YouTube with the intention of making myself cry listening to the songs that remind me of my twins (although I admit there was a time once upon a time where I did).  I just went to YouTube to listen to a song that I hadn't heard in ages.

I didn't expect to cry.  Those tears, I think, were tears still grieving the loss of my beloved twins.  They were also the frustration and disappointment I'm feeling about not being pregnant yet.  Tears because I'd convinced myself that all that waiting was being banked up so it would be easy when I did TTC again.  Tears because I tricked myself into believing this making it easier at the time, but now it's just made the waiting now even harder.

But surely by now I'm entitled to be a little impatient.  This isn't about the 7 cycles we've been TTC, this is about the last 3 years and I'm really truly tired of waiting.  Surely it's my turn now?

10kg mark

I am so happy to share that I have cracked the 10kg weight loss mark this morning.  I'm so freakin' happy.  10kg closer to getting that BFP.

Baby is an awesome motivator.

In other TTC related news, I'm CD9 and Sydney Boy is coming home tonight from Queensland so no doubt there will be some BDing tonight... if he's home early enough that is (his plane has been delayed so not likely to be home before 11pm now... BOOOO).  Hoping to get some BD'ing in over the next few days leading up to (hopefully) ovulation.  Have been taking the Vitex so fingers crossed that is weaving some magic in there...

Surely 10kg loss + Vitex + Sex + Love must = Baby!?!

Here's to hoping!

I just found my ultimate commitment

I jumped onto Facebook this afternoon and saw this post:

I had already put the City 2 Surf as one of my goals for my 12 Week Body Transformation, but when I saw this post, that was it, it sealed the deal.

For every $45 I can raise, a gift bag will be given to a baby lost family in honour of my baby/ies which includes (amongst a number of things) a bear, candle, photo frame, poem etc etc.  I really wish that I had been given a bear when I first lost my twins (almost) 3 years ago.

If that wasn't enough, when I read that if I raise $250 I can get a personalised shirt that says "I am running for XXXX", I realised that whether or not I raise the $250 for that shirt, I will make it my mission to run for not only my twins, but all of the babies taken too soon from their parents, and for all those parents who have been left heartbroken, feeling isolated and alone, that nobody 'gets it' and that nobody cares.

I care.  I 'get it' and they are not alone.

To seal the deal, I posted it in my status update on my own Facebook:

There's no turning back now.

Anyone want to join me?

Another month, another bitch arrives

Well ladies, looks like we're out this month.  AF has just arrived today, CD30.

Positives:

• CD30 is pretty good compared to CD39, maybe my cycle might be normalising (hopefully?)
• I now have another month to lose more weight.  The benefits of this are that it'll make me healthier, give me a greater chance of getting pregnant, make pregnancy easier on me than what it would've been if I hadn't lost the weight, less potential problems during pregnancy as a result of being overweight.
• No potential morning sickness for my flight back to Brisbane at the beginning of June.

Yes, must think of the positives - Lord knows the negatives suck ass.

Please Universe/God/Powers-that-Be don't let me get to the 3 year anniversary of when I miscarried and not be pregnant again.  My 3 year anniversary is 5 June and hopes are fading for that wish to be fulfilled.

CD28 and Weigh in day

Well, it's CD28 here for me and no AF.  Who knows when she'll show up (if she does, and let's hope she doesn't!!!) - could be today, could be anytime in the next 10 days.  She must be coming shortly though as I was very teary eyed this morning, but then again it is Mothers Day and yet again I still have no child and don't really feel that much closer, if at all, to having one.

In less than 1 month, it will be 3 years since I lost my twins.  That's 3 years of waiting for another baby.  No wonder I am so over the waiting.  I think I'm entitled to be by now...

I was teary eyed yesterday explaining the plot of the movie, "The Notebook" to my Sydney Boy too so that tells me AF is probably on her way, the bitch mole.

In good news though, today was weigh in day and I was very pleased to discover another 1.7kg has disappeared off the scales.  That means I have now lost 7.9kg and have another 3kg to reach double figures again.  When I reach that 3kg, I have promised myself a spray tan as a reward for all my hard work (although not sure what purpose that is going to serve if I'm going to smash it out at the gym and sweat it all off!!! LOL).

I was a bit worried about weighing myself today if AF is just around the corner as it may have made me a bit heavier, so I was thrilled to see such a good result!  If 1.7kg is gone, that must mean I'm now almost 2 steps closer to getting that BFP... I really have to believe that as it's the only thing that keeps me motivated.

The arthritis in my right knee has been playing up in the last 3 days (although it's somewhat better today), but then I had to go and slip on the board walk when we went to the Blue Mountains yesterday so now I have a nasty gash on my left knee that hurts like fuck.  Not sure how I'll go with exercise tomorrow but I must do it if I am to lose that weight.

Must push on.  I will get pregnant, damn it.

4 weeks with no chocolate, softdrink, dessert and counting...

When you take your eye off the ball...

Time goes faster... just had a sneak peak at where I'm up to in my cycle and I'm already at CD25!!! Amazing what can happen when you're not paying attention!

Looks like my tactic of attention diversion has worked so far (just wish it'd worked for a few more days! LOL).

Let's step this up a notch...

I've been a bit slack in updating the blog, mainly because there's very little to report on for my TTC efforts other than, well, DTD which I'm sure none of you are particularly interested in ;) LOL

I've started taking Vitex and I had a good chat to the lady at the chemist.  I'm glad I spoke to her as she was actually rather thorough asking questions about my cycle. TMI warning ahead: In talking to her, it seems that perhaps my cycles (apart from being all over the place) are not normal as talking about it, I don't seem to get much red blood when AF arrives, it's mostly brown and clotty.  She said this isn't exactly normal but it's not something I need to be rushing off to the doctor about as she seems to think the Vitex will definitely sort this out.  I'd be interested in hearing from others about this if you don't mind sharing?  She said that it may take at least 2 cycles for the Vitex to have any effect - if you've taken Vitex, what are your experiences with it?

I thought I'd give also give a quick update on the weight loss while I'm here.

I've been going to the gym (including the gym in our building over Easter when the normal gym was closed!) regularly and trying to push harder each time.  Every time it starts to feel too hard, I remind myself why I'm doing this, and start visualising that pregnancy, that baby, that child that I'm doing this for and before I know it, I've pushed through it and it's time to finish.  I've got my personal training sessions and I've done 4 of them now.  Two more to go.  The last two she's really pushed me and I think it's fair to say my legs and arms will be very sore tomorrow!!!

Weight-wise, I was disappointed to discover on Sunday that I'd only lost 400g since the previous Sunday.  I was so devastated that I hadn't reached my goal of 1kg a week when I've been extra good with food (as in NO naughty food at all!) and had been exercising my butt off!

I decided to weigh myself on Tuesday morning as I was sure that the cardio I'd done the couple of days prior to weigh in day just needed an extra day or two to catch up and I was right - according to the scales, I'd lost 1.5kg since Sunday!  Clearly I can't expect much of a weight loss (if any) next Sunday when I weigh myself but even if I don't lose anything for the rest of this week, I'm thrilled with this result.

So, the weight loss in total so far is 2.5 + 2.6 + 0.4 + 1.5= 6.5kg!!!

I am ecstatic that I have been able to achieve this on my own because I feel like every kilo I'm losing puts me one step closer to getting pregnant.  I decided though that I need to step it up a notch, so I paid some dollars and joined Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation.  I've started a new blog for my weight loss stuff as there are prizes involved but I'll still update bits and pieces on here.  If you're interested in keeping track of my weight loss journey, the new blog is: http://bellas12wbt.blogspot.com/ .

I've actually noticed in the last week-ish my sex drive has started to return, which has definitely gotta be a good thing for baby making eh?!?!  Not to mention, the new jeans I bought a few weeks ago no longer fit me (OK so they were a fraction too big for me then, but now they're waaaay too big for me!).  That's gotta be a good thing!

Wish me luck!!!!

Weigh in day

This morning was weigh in day.  I was nervous.  I almost didn't weigh myself.  My goal was to have lost 1kg since Sunday last week.  I stupidly had already weighed myself on Wednesday and had only lost 200g which is really nothing.  I know it was too early, but I was still worried I'd be disappointed when I stood on the scales this morning.

But, I wasn't disappointed.  In fact, I wasn't disappointed at all, I was thrilled to discover that I had lost 2.6kg since Sunday last week.

It's amazing what can happen when you prioritise baby over chocolate etc (although I won't lie - this week when I had AF, and when I was writing the assignment that was due, I'd have LOVED some chocolate but I refused to give into temptation).

I had a personal training session on Thursday night and we talked about my goal to have a baby, the weight that might be holding me back from achieving that goal and how my bad lower back will cope when I do get that goal.

We did some exercises that will hopefully strengthen my core muscles etc in the hope that it will help when I do get pregnant.  I realised how much I'd missed personal training and how much better the gym is for me when I have someone to answer to, and someone to push me further than I'd push myself.  I decided to pay for 6 PT sessions for the month I've got this gym membership, which works out to be 2 sessions a week.  I decided it was an investment in losing the weight in the hope that this will help me get pregnant, and also an investment to make pregnancy easier on my back.  It might only be a month, but after that month, I'll definitely be looking at joining a gym and doing PT again - it really does make such a difference.

I also hope that by focussing on my health, it will take the focus off TTC and also make me feel a bit better about myself.  I have to admit that since I realised just how much weight I'd put on, I haven't felt like DTD as much as I used to.  To be honest, the reason we were out last month was because I'd ovulated late, and we really hadn't had sex around that time, at all...! I hope that by losing weight, it'll give me back my mojo and we'll be going like rabbits again like we used to, before TTC and before I realised how much weight I'd put on.  This too, will help us get that baby that we both want.

Fingers crossed!
xxx

And another one bites the dust

Looks like I'm out this month - AF joyfully (not) arrived on Monday at CD37.  Not happy Jan - no 2011 baby for me now...  

This time 3 years ago, I was pregnant.  I really hope I'm pregnant again before the anniversary of when I lost my twins in June.

Going to head to the chemist on the weekend and get me some Vitex as suggested by Tee - these long irregular cycles are annoying (and a huge head fuck!!!).

The eating and exercise plan is going well so far this week (on like, day 3...).  I haven't had one coffee, or any junk food at all so far - no small feat, although I can't say I haven't missed that morning coffee...  I've been to the gym every day so far this week.  On Monday I did Zumba and Body Pump.  On Tuesday I did Power Yoga.  I got up extra early this morning and fit in Hatha Yoga before work.  Tomorrow I'm doing a boxing class.  Let me tell you, I'm discovering muscles I had long forgotten about, but it's good to feel that again.

I just hope that this hard work reflects on the scales on Sunday, and that losing this weight will give me that baby that I have wanted for so long.

On another note...

I'm now CD36 and my Sydney Boy was wrong with his prediction - still no AF.  I caved and tested last week at CD31 (I think) and it was a BFN.

If no AF by Friday I'll do another HPT, and if that's still a BFN I will be going to the doctor for a blood test to see, at the very least, whether I've even ovulated yet.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

On my way to getting that baby...

I weighed myself today on the Wii Fit and I was very happy to see that I've lost 2.5kg since I last weighed myself.  I'm very happy to have discovered this, even though the last time I weighed myself was a month ago, so it's a very slow weightloss.  That said, I'm still pretty happy with it when I consider I haven't done any exercise, and up until the end of last week, although I was eating somewhat healthily most of the time, there was still room for improvement (read: 3pm sugar binges and sometimes skipping breakky).

I bought Michelle Bridges' Crunchtime Cookbook on Wednesday night which I'm super impressed with.  It's got lots of great info in it as well as a 12 week meal plan with recipes for every meal, where all the meals are simple, don't take much time to prepare and I don't have to go to some obscure shop in the middle of Timbucktoo to find some of the ingredients.

Needless to say, since Thursday, I've been eating only meals from the book and I have to say I'm really enjoying it.  I've never really been shown how to eat healthy like this before.  Growing up, my grandmother used to cook the same old mashed potato and pumpkin, carrots and meat every night, and when mum cooked, it would mostly be something out of a cardboard box from the freezer.  If mum did make a salad, it was always a very boring iceberg lettuce, cheese and tomato sort of salad which always left me feeling hungry which never really inspired me to want to eat salads.

I also managed to score a month's membership at the V Club for $30 which I thought was the Universe telling me that there is no time like the present to get this weight off me in the hope that this is what is holding me back in the baby-stakes.

My first visit was Thursday night (I didn't waste any time) and I went to a belly dancing class - let me just say, I had forgotten how uncoordinated I am!!!!

Anyway, tomorrow is D-Day, the official start day for smashing both my eating habits and my exercise habits.  I'm hoping to go to the Cycle class (if there are enough bikes, because I'm only on a trial pass, I can't book them!) and then follow that by the Body Pump class.  I know that's a lot and to be honest I'm not even sure I'll be able to manage it, but it's the only way I can get to all the classes in the week.

I WILL get that baby.  Maybe not this year now, but that doesn't mean I can't have a 2012 baby...